TO LIVE BY
Top 10 Houses to Avoid
10. Any house that seems to be imploding into a hole in the ground.
9. Any house made of gingerbread.
8. Any house that has ornamental
lawn Hell Hounds.
7. Any house whose only entrance
is through the basement.
6. Any house where all the windows
are glowing with eerie green light.
5. Any house that keeps
growling, "Get out"
4. Any house where the trophy
animal heads on the walls are talking.
3. Any house that has a bloody
wood chipper prominently displayed in the front yard.
2. Any house with a yard full of
statues of people in odd running poses.
And the number 1 house to avoid...
1. Any house that wasn't there a couple of seconds ago.
Learned From Horror Films....
When it appears that you have killed the
monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead. It isn't.
If you find that your house is built upon or
near a cemetery, was once a church that was used for black masses, had previous
inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion,
or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house move
Never read a book of demon summoning aloud,
even as a joke.
Do not search the basement, especially if the
power has just gone out.
If your children speak to you in Latin or any
other language which they should not know, or if they speak to you using a voice
other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of
grief in the long run. NOTE: It will probably take several rounds to
kill them, so be prepared.
When you have the benefit of a
group of people, NEVER
pair off and go it alone.
As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that
open portals to Hell.
If you're searching for something
caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, leave the room immediately if
you value your life.
If you find a town that looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and
Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology
unless you're sure you know what you are doing. Even then, don't do it.
If you're running from the monster, expect to
trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of a female. Even though you
may be faster than the monster, you can be sure that it WILL catch you.
If your friends suddenly begin to exhibit
uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes,
increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.
Stay away from certain geographical
locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania,
Meskatonic University, Camp Crystal Lake, Haddonfield, Illinois, one gas station
desert towns or any small
town in Maine.
If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to
phone for help.
Beware of strangers bearing tools
such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives,
combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, or band saws. This is
especially true if they are wearing a hockey mask or one made of human skin.